primer on public transit humor
my totally awesome guide to impressing complete strangers with zany antics and a devil-may-care flair, assembled from my daily observations of masters at work.1 - THE cardinal rule: always assume that all eyes are on you. people pay good money to ride the t, and, rather than reflect on the day to come/day just passed, they would probably prefer to spend the trip being entertained by a hip, comically-savvy person like yourself.
2 - always, always take advantage of every opportunity to imitate the white bread, robotic voice-over that announces stops.
3 - a great opportunity for physical comedy when there's no available seats: pretend like you're completely oblivious to basic physics, and when the subway/bus starts rolling, totally stumble into one of your buddies (or better yet, a stranger*), say 'oh, sorry', and then laugh it all off like a jackass.
4 - make comments about the stoic driver*, who has no right to be anything but overjoyed about doing his totally awesome job.
5 - when you sense that no one gives a crap about your act, make loud comments about what a lively bunch you're riding with*.
* - works best with older, foreign-looking folk, because, like, even if they do understand what you're saying, they're probably too timid to do anything about it!!!
okay, you get the idea. i hate to come off like a misanthropic curmudgeon who's spent entirely too much time stewing on this subject, but cripes, try riding the t 6 or 7 days a week and see if you wouldn't crave some orginality from these performance artists. really. if you're going to take on a spotlight that isn't even there in the first place, at least bring something new to the table. this post is not at all intended for the people that do, who by and large don't project a self-aware sense of performance and draw inspiration from the moment, turning in a good off-handed remark or suggestive roll of the eyes. you guys can carry on.
posted by jomilkman @ 5:58 PM
2 Comments:
did you ever run into the Blind Pencil Guy? He might only feequent the orange line. But, anyway, the Blind Pencil Guy gets on and passes out pencils to everyone in the car. The pencils are the kind with the little plastic refill leads- you take the dull one out of the top and push it into the bottom and a new lead pops through the top- you know, the kind we all thought were cool in elementary school. The Blind Pencil Guy's pencils have tags on them that say "please buy a pencil for a dollar" (which is highway robbery, by the way). He passes them out and then collects them with the money- if you should so choose to give him any. It is, by far and away, the most awkward experience I've had on the subway. Everyone acts like they're not sure if he's really blind or not. I figure, what the hell, it's a dollar. But when it happens three times in a week, you start to feel stingy- because, I mean, what are the odds? That guy's job is working the trains.
hmmm ... i take the green line everyday and i've never run into BPG, so maybe he does stick exclusively to the orange. yeah, i'll bet the guy's a shyster. it's hard to imagine anyone with sight attempting to act blind without inadvertently doing something that would betray himself ... unless that person happens to be al pacino!!!!! HOO-AH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
btw, good call on those pencils. the best thing to do with those was to hold down on the eraser end and "inject" people with them.
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