for those about to rock

metal mania / enter insane conductor

boarding the b after work last night, i heard a BLARING, OUT-OF-CONTROL heavy metal guitar solo tearing through someone's headphones behind me. anytime anyone on the train listens to their ipod loud enough for me to be able to accurately identify songs at ten paces, i make it a point to pick out the live wire in the crowd so that i may grant him or her wide berth when exiting the train.

so, after i found a good spot to stand for the subway ride, i turned to look at the source of the mental metal meltdown. it was a clean-cut, buttoned-down man in his mid to late thirties. he looked like a young steve forbes.

later, as the train pulled into one of the bu stops, it was time for the insane conductor to make himself known. jesse had told me a story about this guy before, and i knew it was him from the moment his medicated, android-like enthusiasm came over the intercom:

"NEXT STOP ... BOSTON UNIVERSITY WEST! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE NOW RING THE BELL FOR ALL STOPS. JUST LOOK FOR THE YELLOW STRIPS ON EITHER SIDE OF THE CAR! WHEN YOU PRESS ONE OF THOSE STRIPS, WE'LL LET YOU OFF AT THE NEXT STOP!

[then, no joke -- DERANGED, HICCUPPING LAUGH]

IT'S AS SIMPLE AS THAT!!!"

i wish i could say i thought he was just fucking around with us, but the dude had the quivering tone of someone who's given himself completely to the mundane, repetitive rigor of his work and put reality squarely in the rear view mirror, a la robin williams in "one hour photo".

i consider myself fortunate that he had no way of running the train off the track and taking us all on a city-wide crazy spree.

posted by jomilkman @ 8:07 AM